YuGiOh! For Dummies
by briteskies
Summary: Ever had the desire to watch YuGiOh! and just couldn’t find the time? Or a television? Well my friends, your prayers have been answered! Abbreviated versions of episodes made fun of for your reading pleasure. Rated for language
1. Episode I: The Heart of the Cards

Yu-Gi-Oh! for Dummies!

Ever had the desire to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! and just couldn't find the time? Or a television? Well my friends, your prayers have been answered! Abbreviated versions of the episodes you know and love at the touch of a button, or a click of a mouse, or ... whatever.

Episode One:

The Blood Curdling Blue-Eyes White Dragon... or... The Heart of the Cards... or... something

**_In some Egyptian tomb somewhere a voice begins to speak that sounds suspiciously like Yami Yugi._**

"We played games back in Egypt. I think. I don't really remember living in Egypt. But surely they played games. Everyone plays games!

"See all these pretty gold things. They're magic. I live in that upside-down pyramid, but we'll get to that later.

"And yeah, this is Yugi. I live with him. 'Cept he doesn't know that yet. It's a long story, but this is a long series, so you'll figure it out eventually.

"Roll the intro boys!"

And the into rolls

_**The next scene we find ourselves at a place called Domino High School, except that we don't really know that it's called Domino High School just yet. But who cares?**_

A small boy with the pointiest hair in the world excitedly says, "Your turn Joey!"

The boy named Joey just looks confusedly at his cards.

Another boy with the dumbest hair in the world runs up, hugs Joey and asks, "Whatcha doin Joey?"

The audience however, is left to wonder why the boy named Joey has a New York accent, if the show is clearly Japanese in origin, and psuedo-predictably takes place somewhere in Japan.

"Nothin'," Joey answeres, "Just learning how to play this game that an entire show revolves around. It's called Duel Monsters. I figure, since we don't really go to school anyway, I might as well play cards while I'm here. No since trying to learn anything I'm just going to forget in a week,"

The only girl standing amidst the group, who viewers are immediately led to believe is yet another important character, says, "And strange as it is...I know all the rules to this game. Even though I never play. Let me tell them to you!"

"And believe it or not, I know more than you, but I'm not allowed to talk in this episode. In fact, most people don't even know I'm standing here," a boy with long white hair says. And he's right. Most people don't know he's standing there.

His first name is Ryou, but American viewers will NEVER get to learn that.

Joey finally plays his card.

Yugi finally kicks his ass.

"Joey, you suck," the only girl in the group says encouragingly.

Everyone but Yugi agrees.

"No he doesn't," Yugi says. "I just have better cards because my grandpa owns a game shop. I live there. Isn't that weird?"

"We've been friends for how long, and I'm only learning this now? Dude, you gotta hook a brother up! I want cards that don't suck."

"Sure!" Yugi agrees, "We'll go after school. Maybe my grandpa will show his special SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD to us."

A solitary boy who has been both slyly eavesdropping and reading a book begins thinking to himself, "He couldn't mean _that_ SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD could he? No. That's impossible. This is the first episode, why would they start out with the main character already having a SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD? That just wouldn't be fair."

Viewers are lead to believe that the solitary boy is another important character in the story. Otherwise, why would we have been told what he was thinking?

**_After school at the Kame Game Shop where Yugi lives_. **

"Gramps! I'm home!" hollers Yugi as he busts through the door. The boy from New York, the only girl, and the boy with the dumb hair are all right behind him.

Ryou fans wonder where he is, and why he wasn't invited along.

"Yugi! You have friends! I never knew!" Yugi's grandfather says happily, and for my own personal enjoyment, I shall be referring to him as Gramps throughout this entire parody, so I hope no one minds.

"Yeah! I have friends silly. They wanna see your SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD! Will you show them?"

"Why the hell not!? I never show anyone because it's priceless, but who's counting? One SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD coming up!" and Gramps takes out a Duel Monster's card from dusty box that had conveniently been behind the counter the entire time, "Meet Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Totally kick ass card that is so rare, there are only **four** in the world. Not that the fact that there are only **four** in the world will be of any importance later on in this episode."

Everyone just stares at the glory of a playing card for a bit.

"Wow, that SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD is rockin' cool! I'll take two!" Joey says.

"Not selling, dip weed," Gramps replies, sticking out his tongue and blowing a raspberry.

"Uh... I didn't mean that one. I meant something else."

Gramps just gives him the death glare.

"Seriously! I want some other cards! My deck sucks so bad, anything will pretty much be an improvement."

Everyone else agrees.

Suddenly, the front door opens and in walks the solitary boy who had been reading a book and eavesdropping a scene earlier.

The boy with bad hair asks, "Why is the son of Kaiba Corp's CEO here?" to both establish that the boy's last name is Kaiba, and that he is fifthly rich.

Fan girls rejoice that there is an attractive character on the screen.

Yugi rejoices because he thinks Kaiba is here to play with him.

No one stops to wonder how on earth Kaiba knew where the game shop was, or why the boy with bad hair said something dumb, because Kaiba is not the son of the CEO of Kaiba Corp. He _is_ the CEO of Kaiba Corp.

"Show me your rare cards old man," Kaiba demands.

"You play Duel Monsters too! Yeah! A new friend! We can play together Kaiba! It will be fun!" Joey says, and viewers will remember this as the only time Joey every says anything nice to Kaiba.

"I totally wasn't talking to you." Kaiba shrugs, "I don't like to associate myself with losers, unless they have something I want. But in case you are curious... I'm the reigning Duel Monsters champion. I'd pretty much wipe the floor with you. Not that it's important for anyone to know at all. Unless that point comes up later in this episode, or season, or series for that matter. Then you might need to know that."

"What about me?" Yugi wonders. "Wanna duel me?"

"No."

"But, the show's named after me. Aren't you at least curious as to how good I am?"

"No. Not really."

The Blue-Eyes White Dragon card hears Kaiba's voice, and from the counter shouts excitedly, "Daddy!"

Kaiba runs to the counter and stares with googly eyes, "Give me that card!"

Gramps however, will have none of this.

"Please?"

"No. It holds a special place in my heart," Gramps says with a shake of his head, and snatches away the Blue-Eyes card.

"Like I give a crap?" Kaiba says grouchily, "I'm rich and powerful and always get my way! Give me the damn card!"

"You're a strange young man. I don't like you."

"How much money do you want? I'm a billionaire, I promise I can make it worth you while."

"No thanks."

Audience immediately wonders why Gramps doesn't take him up on this.

"No money? How about these hundreds of SUPER ULTRA MEGA RARE cards that I carry around in my briefcase for some strange reason," Kaiba says, and flops his briefcase onto the counter so that everyone can get a good view of his rockin cool card collection.

"No thanks."

"No money? No cards? How about I burn your house down? Kill your dog? Duel you for it?"

"No thanks. My friend gave this to me, and it has a heart of it's own."

Kaiba does a combo attack growl and glare before storming off and mumbling, "I know it does, that card loves me. You're a mean old man for breaking my heart and keeping us apart. You suck."

The Blue-Eyes White Dragon in Gramps hand is heart broken too and cries, "Daddy?" while watching Kaiba walk away.

"Man, is he ever cool?" Yugi sighs.

"Uh... not really," Joey disagrees.

Kaiba fan girls throw hard objects at Joey's head.

**_In Kaiba's fancy limo of evil plottingness we come across Seto Kaiba having a conversation with himself._**

"I promise my pretty, pretty dragon love, I will save you from the grasp of that mean old man with spiky hair," he says with a growl, and the screen flashes a glimpse of Kaiba's tall ass office building as an obvious attempt at foreshadowing.

**_Next day at the Kame Game Shop while Yugi and Friends are at school we find Gramps alone, sweeping the shop, because he is always sweeping the shop, or polishing God Cards, because apparently Gramps is a neat freak._**

"Well, come on in Suspicious Characters, how can I help you?" he greets three laid off Men in Black who have now come to work for Kaiba Corp because of their good dental plan.

A short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood informs Gramps that he has formally been invited to spend the day at Kaiba Land!

But viewers don't know that Kaiba Land exists.

The short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood realizes his mistake and says, "Fine. Come with us or die."

Viewers are surprised and Gramps questions his authority with a deeply insightful questions of, "Seriously?"

The short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood says, "That's pretty much the way of it, yeah."

But Gramps would really rather not.

"And I would really rather not be fired and lose my dental plan, so move it! And don't forget to bring your SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD."

Gramps finally agrees and realises that it's time to teach lil' Kaiba about the Heart of the Cards!

The short, ugly man who sounds suspiciously like Weevil Underwood wonders what the heck Gramps is talking about. And so do viewers.

Random Sidewalk of Domino City 

Yugi says, "That SUPER ULTRA MEGA MONDO EXTRA NEATO RARE CARD is the coolest ever."

Views wonder what on earth that three seconds of footage was really even needed for.

After school at the Kame Game Shop, Minus Gramps, but plus Yugi, Joey, the only girl and bad-hair boy. 

"Gramps I'm home!" Yugi announces and we realize that he must to this often, because he totally announced his arrival the day before as well.

But Gramps doesn't answer.

"That's weird," the only girl observes.

"Yeah. He's gone, and the door's unlocked." Joey adds.

Frequent viewers recognize that Joey's observation is uncommonly astute for his character.

The boy with bad hair thinks maybe Gramps is in the bathroom.

Yugi however, shows his paranoid side and insists that something's wrong.

The phone on the wall rings on queue.

The sound techs backstage get a bonus.

Yugi answers, "Hello?" and the screen splits to show none other than Seto Kaiba on the other end.

"Hi Yugi, wanna come over and play?"

"What did you do with my grandpa?"

"Dude, I asked you to come over. Paranoid much?" Kaiba laughs.

"My... GRANDPA!!!!"

"Fine, whatever. Come get him. He's in my office."

Yugi looks to everyone else and shakes his head, "Kaiba isn't so cool anymore."

But Kaiba is still on the phone. "Dude, you could at least hang up the phone before you talk crap."

"Oh, sorry Kaiba," Yugi says and quickly hangs up the phone. "Yeah... Not cool."

_**A short while later at the menacing Kaiba Corp Tower of gargantitude we find Gramps laying helpless on the floor as Yugi and Friends run in, panting and worried. **_

"Yugi! I tried to teach him about the heart of the cards, but I lost." Gramps croaks.

Yugi kneels down beside him, "Heart of the Cards? What are you talking about?"

"THE HEART OF THE CARDS!"

Yugi stares blankly.

Gramps glares menacingly.

Yugi still stares blankly.

"You know... when you believe in your deck? And yourself?"

Yugi, who is still staring blankly shrugs out an, "Uh... I guess."

"HEART OF THE CARDS!!!"

Yugi continues to stare blankly.

"You're late Yugi," another voice intrudes, and we are shown Seto Kaiba haloed in light, and he's talking in his "sexy voice."

"But you never told me when I had to be here. . ." Yugi shrugs, oblivious to the "sexy voice"

"Shut up," sexy-voiced Kaiba snaps, "I kicked your old man's butt at Duel Monsters, and took my precious Blue-Eyes White Dragon from him. Here, watch me tear it into tiny bits and pieces!"

"Ouch daddy!" the Blue-Eyes screams, as it is indeed torn into bits and pieces. Or... at least in half.

"WTF?!" everyone in the audience screams at him.

"_What?" _Kaiba wonders.

"But... you... I... we thought you wanted that card!"

"Yeah, I did," he explains to the audience, "But I already have three. Don't need the fourth if I can't use it. I only wanted to win it so no one else can use it against me."

"You can't use it?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Duh... I told you already."

"No you didn't," the audience argues, because we are all still confused as to why he ripped the card.

"Oh yeah, I forgot . . . the silly Americans edited that part out! Guess you'll have to figure it out on your own then," he shrugs, and the audience learns that Yugi might be right, and he's not as cool as everyone thought he was.

Yugi and Friends wonder who Kaiba was talking to.

"MY DRAGON!" Gramps continues to croak on the floor. "Yugi here, take these cards. I put my soul in them."

"Oh silly, everyone knows you can't put a soul into cards!" Yugi laughs.

Somewhere far away, Pegasus shrugs, "Not in this episode, no," and frequent viewers slap their palms to their foreheads.

Gramps still croaking on the floor, shoves the deck of cards in Yugi's hands, "JUST TAKE THE CARDS AND KICK KAIBA'S ASS!" and then collapses while mumbling "The Heart of the Cards! The Heart of the Cards! Kick his ass for me Yugi!"

Yugi, whose blank stare has continued to remain plastered on his face, shakes his head, "Dude, Gramps musta hit his head. Maybe we should take him to the hospital."

Yugi's friends agree.

But Kaiba apparently will have none of this and says, "So your old man wants you to take vengeance for him? Sounds like fun! Let's duel Yugi!"

And you mustn't forget that he's talking in his sexy voice here.

"Sure. But... uh...Kaiba? Where are your pupils?" Yugi wonders.

Viewers take note that maybe the lack of pupils and sexy voice are some how related.

". . . .??? . . . . . Just shut up and follow me," Kaiba shrugs, and walks off.

"Wait! Don't steal him away just yet, I need to draw on his hand!" the only girl yells, "And everyone else's too. Joey! Tristan! Hands! Now!"

Viewers have now learned that the bad-hair boy has a name, and that it's Tristan.

"Teá? Where did you get that marker? And what the crap did you just draw on us?" Joey wonders.

The only girl smiles and says, "A friendship symbol."

"A happy face?"

"No! A FRIENDSHIP SYMBOL! FRIENDSHIP! FRIENDSHIP! FRIENDSHIP!"

A short while later in the Kaiba Corp Duelling Arena of Gargantitude 

A sexy-voiced, pupiless Kaiba laughs, "See what I made? I'm a super-genius!"

Yugi nods and says, "Ok, so maybe you are still cool."

The audience nods and totally agrees.

"Why yes. I am cool. Now duel me. Whomever loses all their life points first... Loses."

"Is that how it works?" Yugi wonders.

Frequent viewers plant their foreheads in their palms once again.

"Virtual system ready!" Kaiba says loudly, and things around the Kaiba Corp Duelling Arena of Gargantitude turn on magically.

"It's even voice activated! Wow! You're way cool Kaiba."

"I know," he shrugs, "And since it's brains before beauty, and I have them both, I'm going first no matter what."

"Sounds good to me," Yugi shrugs and then touches a golden magic object around his neck that no one has mentioned at all yet. "AH!!!! Magical wind of doom! It tickles!"

And a mystical voice in Yugi's head says, "I wanna play too!"

Yugi happily agrees, because there is obviously nothing weird about a voice in your head asking to take over your body.

"Thanks," the mystical voice says nicely, and Yugi is suddenly several inches taller, has completely different eyes, more blonde in his hair than usual, and a deeper voice.

"WTF? Did you just get hotter?" Kaiba wondered, taking a step backwards.

"Why yes, I did. Thank you for noticing." Not-Yugi says in his much deeper voice. "And thank you for going first so that I can kill the crap out of your monster you just played.

"Your voice is different."

"No it isn't," Not-Yugi shrugs.

"Yes. It totally is."

"Whatever. Just duel me."

"With pleasure," Kaiba nods, deciding he doesn't particularly care why Yugi, or Not-Yugi's voice is totally different.

Kaiba's monsters totally dies.

Kaiba's life points slightly drop.

Kaiba himself doesn't seem to care.

Joey runs in, because everyone else took Gramps to the hospital, and exclaims, "Wow! Monsters? Kick ass!"

Viewers are curious as to why Joey is surprised that there are monsters, if the name if the game is, in fact, Duel Monsters. But then again... this is Joey we're talking about.

"Big brother!!!" a young boy runs in, looking up at Kaiba.

The audience squeals at his cuteness.

"Kaiba, your new monster sucks," Not-Yugi says smugly. Not that his Winged Dragon, Guardian of the Fortress #1 is any good at all.

"Well, that's what magic cards or for, kids."

Kaiba plays said magic card and his new monster clobbers the crap out of a whole line of Not-Yugi's monsters.

Not-Yugi, draws a card with a picture of a leg on it... "WTF? A leg?"

"It's almost sad how much better I am than you."

"Well, you do realize that this is my show right?"

"But I'm hotter."

The audience is a bit confused because they're both right...

"And smarter," Kaiba smiles, and the audience is beginning to wonder if Not-Yugi's got any chance of winning at all.

"Dude, this is kinda crappy," Not-Yugi sighs, "My show is going to suck if I lose my first duel. Maybe I should... uh... Have faith in my grandfather's deck, even though he's not really my grandfather because I'm not really Yugi. But the audience doesn't know that... so I'll just pretend." So he draws another card from his deck... "DAMN IT! An arm! What is this shit!?"

Kaiba, with his still sexy-voice and lack of pupils taunts, "Losing faith Yugi? You do know I'm totally winning right now, right?"

"Kaiba? Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes? Or that you're an arrogant asshole?"

"Why yes, as a matter of fact they have. Oh yeah, and by the way, I'd like you to meet my Blue-Eyes White Dragon!

Blue-Eyes White Dragon says, "RRRRAAAAHHHHRR!!!!!"

Not-Yugi, Joey, and the audience are confused.

Mokuba and Kaiba however, are not.

"I so totally saw you rip that card up not two minutes ago!" Not-Yugi insists.

"You're right. I did. But Didn't you hear my conversation with the audience earlier on how I have three of them?"

The audience is confused because he... never said... oh wait... yeah he did. Just kidding.

"You have three?!" Not-Yugi gasps, "Oh shit."

"Yeah. That sucks for you, doesn't it."

And Kaiba's second Blue-Eyes White Dragon says, "DOUBLE RRRAAAHHHAHRRR!

Not-Yugi says, "Double shit."

The audience is a bit more worried for Not-Yugi now. But somehow, Not-Yugi manages to draw a card that saves him, and he plays Swords of Revealing Light! He's safe for three turns my some miracle. Or good script writing. Or something.

"I'm still going to kick your ass. This turn, or six turns from now, it doesn't really matter to me," Kaiba says smugly and summons Judge Man and attacks Not-Yugi's monster.

"Oh yes, I forgot! My Dark Magician, he'll kick the snot out of that Judge Man. Even though he'll die in a few turns once those dragons can attack again. But what the hell? It's not a real duel unless I summon the Dark Magician at least once."

The Doublemint Twin Blue-Eyes still say, "RRRRRAAHHHHAHHHAR!"

The now-summoned Dark Magician looks back at Not-Yugi and laughs, "So, you're kidding right?"

But Not-Yugi just raises and eyebrow and yells, "Hey! You! Dark Magic attack! And make it snappy!"

So the Dark Magician clobbers the snot out of Judge Man, but Kaiba only laughs and summons his third Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

Again, Dark Magician looks to Not-Yugi, "Yeah, thanks for sending me on a suicide mission. Jerk."

After the destruction of his hottest Duel Monster, Not-Yugi is displeased, "Damn it! Now all I have in my hand are these crappy body parts that suspiciously look like they all belong to the same body. These totally couldn't help me now."

And from nowhere, a ghosty Gramps appears and says "Sometimes things are like a puzzle," like a rip off of a bad horror movie.

"Hey? You're dead Gramps?!" Not-Yugi says confusedly, and the audience is totally with him, because we're confused too.

"No idiot," Ghosty Gramps snaps, "I'm trying to give you a clue."

Suddenly, we are shown a memory snippet, with Gramps saying something to the like of, "No one has ever been able to summon Exodia." And we hope Not-Yugi at least knows what he's talking about... because we sure don't.

"Well I'm screwed then," Not-Yugi decides.

"Well screw you too buddy!" the tiny voice of Not-Yugi's deck of cards snaps, "I _was_ going to help you out, but now... I'm leaving!

For some reason, at this point in time, talking cards doesn't really seem that strange, and Not-Yugi is deciding to go with it, "No! Wait! I still need my card! I haven't drawn for this turn yet!"

"Then, say you believe in me."

"I don't know about that... you're asking a awful lot."

"I believe in you!" Yugi's voice comes from nowhere.

"HEY! You're not playing! I am." Not-Yugi snaps.

"Say it!" the deck of cards insists, taunting Not-Yugi by moving further away.

To get them to at least stop moving, Not-Yugi sighs, "Fine. Whatever. I believe in you."

"Thank you. Here is the card you need," the deck says, and let's Not-Yugi draw his card.

"You know in all, it's not been a bad day for me" Kaiba sighs, "I get to win two duels in the span of about an hour, I got the last of the Blue-Eyes White Dragons, and I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco."

"You're a real jerk, you know? And you should have listened when I warned you that this is my show, because you do know I'm going to win, right."

"You're just as delusional as your old man."

"Yeah? Well how about you meet Exodia, the Forbidden One, the one monster no one has ever been able to summon before until this very moment. The one monster who will only be played this one time before someone throws them in the water on my way to the island of a child molester. The one monster whose pentagram they emerge from will be edited to make some random, pointless symbol on American television because... stars are apparently a representation of paganistic rituals and evil. But despite all that, they will put pictures of Exodia all over Yu-Gi-Oh! merchandise for years to come!!"

"WTF!? Are you serious? I can't lose!" Kaiba snaps, as the overly dramatic Exodia-Summoning ritual commences.

"Wanna bet? Eat this Kaiba! Exodia! Hell Fire's Rage!" Not-Yugi yells.

But he can't say Hell Fire's Rage on a kids' show... So maybe...

"Obliterate!!!!!"

Yeah. That'll work.

"Damn it!" Kaiba pouts as his life points go down the tube.

"Kick ass!" Joey jumps for joy.

Mokuba is left to stand, wondering why he had only two lines in this episode.

Ryou is left to wonder why he was totally forgotten.

Not-Yugi just looks at Kaiba and says, "Since you're too cool to be a bad guy, I'll turn you into a good guy with my magical abilities. Evil Kaiba be gone!"

"AHHH!" Kaiba yells in his not-sexy voice.

But Kaiba's pupils return.

And Kaiba's face is much more attractive all the sudden.

"I hate you," he says.

"Oh silly, you say that now, but you'll thank me later. This means you'll get to be on my show all the time now. You are a main character now, whether you like it or not."

"Yeah. I really hate you."

Meanwhile in a dark room somewhere... 

"Master, Seto Kaiba actually lost a duel!" a man named after a lawn game involving mallets, wooden balls and small wire arches informs a man sitting at a table who is named after a flying horse of fantasy.

"Hhhmm... so those video cameras I installed all over his house/office/car/school _are_ good for other things than watching him shower. Good to know. I think I'll have a another drink!" the man named after a flying horse says happily.

The Millennium Eyes gives an evil twinkle.

And the ending credits roll.

* * *

_Thank you to all who reviewed thus far! I love you all! And hopefully this new version is as funny as the last version. (Since my last one wasn't officially allowed.)_

_Anyway, let me know if you want more._


	2. Episode II: The Gauntlet if Thrown

_Welcome to the second instalment of Yu-Gi-Oh! for Dummies. And I hope that you know I'm not trying to call anyone dumb around here. I just thought it sounded like a good title._

_Firstly I would thank all my wonderful reviewers! Wow. I didn't think anyone was even going to like it, so it makes me insanely happy to hear that at least someone does! So.. without further adiu... here is another episode!_

* * *

Episode Two:  
The Trap of the Illusionist Faceless Mage! No! Wait that title is too long. Let's call it... uh...  
The Gauntlet is Thrown.

Why are we calling it that?

We don't really know.

_**We begin out show today at Domino High School, because the creators of Yu-Gi-Oh! like giving the illusion that the main characters actually go to school. However, it's a bit of a contradiction if all they're showing is the main characters playing cards while they are there. But... oh well.**_

It's a match to the death! Joey vs. Teá! And even though Teá never plays the game, she stomps all over him... because everyone loves an underdog like Joey. Or a dog like Joey. Or something.

Oh yeah... and no one dies either.

Joey later goes to Yugi for advice on how to make his deck better, and Yugi says that he's an idiot for putting only monsters in his deck.

For people who know nothing about Duel Monsters, this makes no sense why that's a bad idea. Wouldn't you want lots of monsters in a game called Duel Monsters?

Guess not.

"Teach me to play Duel Monsters Yugi," Joey pleads. "I can't be on your show if I can't play!"

But Yugi recognises this as a challenge too great to take on, and decides to pawn the job off on Gramps, because the old man really doesn't have anything better to do than clean things anyway.

_**After school at the Kame Game Shop, we come across Gramps dusting shelves, which only enhances my point that Gramps is a neat freak.**_

"I brought you a new victim Gramps!" Yugi announces.

Joey bows and pleads to be taken under Gramps' wing as a Duel Monster Army of One.

The audience is shown that Gramps is possibly a retired drill sergeant, and takes Duel Monsters just a little _too_ seriously. Joey and Yugi don't seem to think it's too strange though.

"Come with me my young padiwan, and I shall teach you all there is to know about the Force. Or... at least how to play Duel Monsters," Gramps says confidently. "But firstly... do you know anything about the game at all?"

It is quickly learned that the answer to that question is a big, fat, "No."

_**That evening, in Yugi's living room, everyone is gathered around the television to watch the regional Duel Monsters championships. Because apparently, everyone and their grandmother watches Duel Monsters.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you two of the most annoying characters in the show! Weevil Underwood, whose unfortunate name pretty much guarantees us that he uses nothing but bug cards, because minor characters are almost always given pure cheese names that almost always have something to do with their card sets," the announcer guy says happily. "And Rex Raptor! Ten guesses what type of cards he uses!"

"Uh? Fish?" Joey wonders.

Everyone else finds that their palms have been forced upon their foreheads.

"Well whatever. Bug-Brains is totally going to be stomped all over..." Joey shrugs, showing his poor prediction skills and then proceeds to accidentally doze off and have a quick nightmare about... Gramps. And then when he wakes up, he tries to hug him.

Gramps evades the hug by giving Yugi a package from a place called Industrial Illusions Inc. which would totally be more interesting to us if we knew what Industrial Illusions Inc. actually made.

Oh. They make Duel Monster Cards.

Cool.

"Why are they sending packages to you, Yugi?" Joey wonders. "Is it your birthday?"

"Maybe they heard about the one-man smack down I laid on Kaiba the other day."

"How could they have possibly heard about that though?" they all wonder.

The audience wonders if they should warn Seto Kaiba about the cameras in his house that Pegasus installed to watch him shower, but find that they are strangely more overcome by their curiosity in the package Yugi got in the mail and decide to warn Kaiba later.

"Hey guys, Weevil won," Tristan announces.

"Is this at all important to the show later on?" Joey asks.

"Most likely. It doesn't make much sense to introduce us to characters, and tell us what kinds of cards they use if we don't duel them in the upcoming episodes." Yugi explains.

"It would be a lot less painful if their voices didn't suck so bad," Teá sighs.

The audience totally agrees.

"Or if they were remotely attractive," Tristan adds.

Everyone looks at him strangely.

The audience however, totally agrees.

"And now!" the announcer guy says from the television, "It's time to meet another character with an annoying voice. The one... the only... person I can think of who is named after a flying horse of fantasy... Mr Pegasus J. Crawford. No. Wait, my translator is broken. Mr. Maximillion Pegasus. Yeah. That's the right one... I think. Just call him Pegasus. Or Peggy if you like, because it pisses him off."

And out of the floor comes Pegasus with his pretty white hair and dressed in a spiffy wine coloured suit, and he hands Weevil a trophy.

Weevil stares at him all googly eyed, as does Rex, and the audience is strangely creeped out by this.

_**A short while later, in a fancy car we see Pegasus sitting with another man in the back seat. Again... the audience is slightly creeped out.**_

"Did you remember to tape all my episodes of The Young and the Restless?" Pegasus demands.

"Why yes master," his diligent man servant nods. "I also delivered that package to Yugi Motou like you requested. And I even recorded some footage of Seto Kaiba walking around the kitchen in his boxers while you away."

The audience remains thoroughly creeped out.

Meanwhile, back at the Kame Game Shop 

"Who freakin cares about the duel? Let's open your package Yugi! It'll be like Christmas!" Joey suggests.

"Good idea Joey! I love Christmas! Let's open it!"

Yugi's package is then opened.

"A glove, some stars and a video tape?" Teá sighs, "That's a stupid gift."

"Maybe it means something. Let's watch the tape! Maybe that will explain things." Joey says.

They put the video tape in and push play, because... what else does one do with a video tape?

"Good evening Lil Yugi. Nice job on laying the smack down on candy ass the other day. I was wondering if you'd like to play with me?" Pegasus says on the television.

"Uh? You're a bit stranger that I was expecting. But sure. I'll play."

"Really? How about right here, right now, on the living room floor in front of everyone!?"

The audience can only hope that he's talking about Duel Monsters right now, otherwise this show will take a turn for the NC-17, behind the curtain at the video store kinda twist most aren't sure their stomachs can handle.

"It'll be magical!" Pegasus insists.

Viewers back away from their televisions screens.

"Sounds like fun!" Yugi shrugs, and... in an almost comforting twist of events, the Millennium Eye in Pegasus's head flashes and the whole room, minus Yugi, turns blue and everyone freezes in cheesy positions.

Viewers sigh relief when they learn that Pegasus really does want to play Duel Monsters, and the magical part about the whole thing was just bringing everyone into what is called the Shadow Realm.

"Ready to play, Yugi-boy? Whoever has more life points at the end of fifteen minutes wins."

"Bring it Peggy!" he insists, then the golden upside-down pyramid flashes and Yugi screams "Ah! The magical wind of doom! It tickles," much like he did in the last episode.

That same mystical voice from the other day says, "He's creepy Yugi, let me handle him."

"But I wanna play..." real Yugi argues.

"Tough shit. Your mind is too fragile to handle being molested by him, and I'm here to protect you," the mystical voice insists.

And you know what they say: Customers, and mystical voices in your head are always right.

"Ooooh! Did you just get hotter?" Pegasus wonders, and then blinks his eye. But since Pegasus only has one eye to blink... does that mean it was a wink?

I guess we'll never know.

Anyway, Not-Yugi is here again. "Why yes I did. Thank you for noticing," he says, though he's not too sure if he likes everyone noticing his hotness. At least not Pegasus.

"Mmmk Yugi-boy, you go first."

"Whatever, freak show. Just don't forget whose show this is..."

So, Not-Yugi draws his first card.

"Nice dragon you just drew candy pants."

"WTF? Did you just cheat? And no fair bringing monsters to life either!"

"I don't cheat. I can just read your mind with my magical eye. And duh... monsters come to life in the Shadow Realm. Hello!"

"So... you cheated?"

"Being magical isn't cheating. You should know all about that Yugi-boy."

"Ok. Point taken. But what is this Shadow Realm crap? Is this at all important?"

"Maybe. And the Shadow Realm is a place that powerful PHARAOH'S and SORCERES used to hold duels in back in ancient Egypt." Pegasus says with a shrug, and even though he's talking about Egypt, the screen shows a titbit of footage from Not-Yugi and Pegasus duel at the end of the season... which... makes no sense whatsoever since that is clearly not Egypt.

"Who gives a crap about Egypt?" Not-Yugi wonders.

Viewers realize that their foreheads are going to be sore after much longer, after smacking themselves yet again.

"And WTF, will you stop cheating!? Even if you can read my mind, what are the odds that you've already drawn the card that can counter it? It just doesn't make any sense."

"Apparently it did to the script writers, so you can just shut up about it," Pegasus shrugs. "And even if I am a cheater... you still don't know squat about your Millennium Puzzle, and I do, so take that."

A raspberry is then blown by Pegasus and sent in Not-Yugi's general direction.

"My Millennium Puzzle?!" Not-Yugi squeaks out of shock, because this is probably the first time that anyone has decided to talk about the magical golden object around his neck.

"Tchya, the Millennium Puzzle. Some hot pharaoh long ago sealed the powers of the Shadow Games/Realm away to save the world from destruction. He may or may not have worn the Millennium Puzzle back then. "

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Nothing I'm sure. Just thought you might be curious."

"Should I be?"

"Na. Forget about it. I'm sure it's got nothing to do with you. Forget I said anything. There are these other Millennium Items though. Six of them, excluding yours."

"There are more?"

"No. I'm saying this for my health, silly. Of course there are more. I have one actually. It's stuck in my face and lets me read other people minds, and dirty thoughts."

"So you know what I'm thinking?"

"Didn't we establish this like, three minutes ago? Go on and play that crap Zombie Warrior I know you're about to play and move this game along, shall we?"

"Damn it. He does know what I'm thinking. How about I pull a fast one on him and play a card I haven't looked at. I am the main character after all, so I'll draw a good card for sure."

Not-Yugi draws and plays the card he never looked at.

Dark Magician appears on the field in all his sexy glory.

"Hell yes! Look at that shit Peggy!" Not-Yugi says triumphantly, "Sexy monster, do your thang! Dark magic attack!"

Pegasus dragon is now toast because, as everyone knows, sexy monsters rule all.

"Oh, whatever Yugi-boy. I've got the Illusionist Faceless Mage that this episode was originally named after, so you know it's gotta be tough."

"Whatever. My Magician is one of the strongest magic cards in the game."

The audience is confused as to why he said that... because... the Dark Magician is a monster card, not a magic card. And I'm totally not making that last part up.

Faceless monsters are creepy... especially when they control sexy monsters and make them attack Not-Yugi and cause him to lose life points.

"I thought I was your favourite card, bitch!?" Dark Magician yells. "You get me killed in our last duel, and then you freakin get me POSSESSED this time. Damn you!"

Not-Yugi feels a bit guilty about that... but what's a memory-deprived pharaoh to do? "Oh, you're a tricky one Peggy, but my name isn't King of Games for nothing. And even though there are only eight seconds left before our duel ends and I lose. But I have found a way to beat you! Summon Skull... kick his cheating ass!"

"Oh! Times up! You can't attack me!" Pegasus says happily as the last second runs out. "Wanna play again? In person? I bet your a lot hotter face to face."

"I don't play with cheaters. No thanks freak show. I'd be fine never seeing your creepy ass every again."

"Hey! You hurt my feelings! Just for that you little punk, I'm stealing your Grandfather's soul!"

"Hey! That's not even remotely fair!"

"Life isn't fair. Deal with it. You want it back, come to my romantic island getaway, and bring Seto Kaiba with you! We'll make an entire weekend of it."

"You're a real freak Pegasus."

"You have no idea..." he chuckles, and the television magically turns off, and the room is no longer blue and everyone except soulless Gramps can move again.

Yugi is left, screaming "GRAMPS!!!!!!! Gramps! I'll never let go!" while hugging the television, and as the end credits roll, people start to think that maybe Yugi's seen Titanic just a few times too many.

What a shitty place to leave off...

* * *

_Up next: The Evil Spirit of the Ring. No... it's not in order. I'm not doing every episode. Get over it._


	3. Episode XIII: The Evil Spirit of the Rin...

_Uh... Read or Die:)_

_And enjoy it while your at it, damn it!_

* * *

Episode 13  
Trap of the Metamorph Pot! Flame Swordsman In Danger! Wow... ok that's a really long title. How about... The Evil Spirit of the Ring? I like that much better (surprisingly).

Somewhere in the background Ryou is saying, "Evil Spirit of the Ring!? Kick ass! This means I'll get to be in this one for once! I only had to wait thirteen freakin episodes!"

_**We begin our tale on a dark night, around a campfire where five youths sit, holding pleasant conversations with one another.**_

"That was real smooth move, running off without the marshmallows," Tristan growls, looking longingly at the orange flames.

"Screw marshmallows. Let's play Duel Monsters!" Yugi says.

"That sounds like fun," Ryou agrees, rejoicing for now getting his first line. "Just a friendly game of Campfire Duel Monsters! What could possibly go wrong? Everyone give Yugi your favourite card so that he can add it to his deck and it will be like we're all playing."

"I don't play Duel Monsters. Why would I have a favourite card? And why would we all want to play?" Tristan wonders.

"DO IT OR THIS EPISODE WILL BE POINTLESS!" Ryou screams. "This is one of the only times I get the spotlight and you will not fuck it up for me, so give Yugi the damn card!"

Joey, Tristan and Teá begin thumbing though cards faster than ever.

"My favourite card is the Flame Swordsman, because he's mildly attractive and has descent attack points," says Joey, and hands the card to Yugi so that he can put it in his deck.

"Mine is the Magician of Faith because... it's pretty much the only card that can save Joey later on once Bakura turns us all into monsters. I mean... uh... because she's pretty." Teá says.

"Mine is the Cyber Commander..." Tristan mumbles. "Because it's the only card I have. Or at least I hope that it is, because it's such a weak monster and there wouldn't be no reason for me to really like it. Plus... the ladies can see my rippling muscles when I become him in five minutes."

"Good boy," Ryou says with a dangerous smile. "Mine is the Change of Heart, which in no way shape or form could possibly represent the fact that I have a good half and a bad half. What about you Yugi?"

"Did you have to ask?"

"No. But please, tell us anyway."

"Mine is the Dark Magician because he swore to protect the mystical voice inside my head. Plus he's sexy."

"Good reason."

"Yeah, I kinda thought so too. But I should warn you Ryou, this is my show... you do know you won't win, right?"

"Pegasus beat you a while ago..."

"True... but he has the Millennium Eye and totally read my mind the whole time."

"Ah, well guess what?"

"You... want a pony for Christmas?"

"Yes. But that's not what I was getting at."

"Well, what then?"

"I have a Millennium Item too! It's called the Millennium Ring."

"Can it read my mind?"

"No. But it can knock all of you unconscious, rip your souls from your bodies and take us to the Shadow Realm."

"Sweet! Show me!"

"Sounds like a plan!"

Suddenly a golden dreamcatcher-like object appears on Ryou's chest and his eyes completely change shape and his voice gets much deeper, sexier and all that fun stuff.

"Wow, Ryou! Did you just get hotter?" Yugi wonders.

"Why yes, I did. Thank you for noticing. But my name isn't Ryou. It's Bakura. But you can call me the Evil Spirit of the Ring for short."

"Check. But... I thought you said that your Millennium Item was a Ring."

"It is..."

"Well... that looks more like a Dreamcatcher to me. I thought you wore rings on your finger."

"Millennium Ring is easier to say than Millennium Dreamcatcher."

"Oh... you're right. I guess it is."

"By the way, I'm evil, if you couldn't tell by my voice, sexy smirk and horns. Mind handing over your Puzzle to me?"

"Not particularly, no. I appreciate the offer, but I've grown rather fond of it."

"Well I guess that's too bad for you then! Off with your souls!"

Yugi and Friends promptly have their souls ripped from their bodies and tossed into the spirally entryway to the Shadow Realm as their bodies hit the ground.

"Now the Puzzle is mine!" Bakura laughs, leaning over Yugi to snatch it.

"Not so fast!" Not-Yugi yells, sits up and glares at Bakura.

"Fuck! What are you doing here?! Aren't you like... 3000 years dead?"

"No. What are you talking about?"

"You mean you don't remember me?"

"Should I?"

"Of course not!" Bakura laughs nervously, "I mean... why would you... even... uh... never mind. Wanna play a quick game of Duel Monsters with me?"

"What were you hovering over me for just a second ago?"

"I wasn't..."

"Except that... you so totally were. And what the heck is wrong with everyone else? Why are they all unconscious?"

"They may or may not have had their souls ripped from their bodies. Or... maybe they're just sleeping. It's pretty hard to tell. I didn't do it though. You ask a lot of questions, don't you?"

"Only because I have no memories."

"Really? You have none? No memories at all? Wow, that totally works to my benefit. I'll keep that in mind. So... wanna duel? How about winner take all! I win and I get your Puzzle and all the souls I may or may not have ripped from your friends' bodies. You win and... well... you won't win so who cares? But on the off chance that you do, I guess I'll give... your... friends back their souls. Not that I took them or anything."

"Sure. But... what was your name again?"

"Bakura. I was a thief a long time ago. I like to steal souls, take bubble baths and long walks in the rain, kill pharaoh's, collect magical golden objects, eat raw meat and sing karaoke. My life long dream has always been to unleash hell on earth and bake a perfect lemon meringue pie... but not at the same time of course. "

"Yeah, karaoke is awesome. You mind if I go first?"

"Be my guest."

"Rock on. My first move is... Tristan!? WTF?" Not-Yugi exclaims, as mini-Tristan is summoned to the playing field dressed as the Cyber Commander.

"Oh yeah... that's where I put their souls. Silly me," Bakura laughs.

"You did this?!"

"Uh... no?"

Tristan looks up, freaked out by giant Not-Yugi and giant Not-Ryou. "WTF? This is a crazy dream... are there any ladies around to see my rippling muscles?"

"Your friend is an idiot for picking that card as his favourite. Pretty much any card I draw will kill him. Oh look... see... what did I tell you? Tristan! This is what you get for being dumb! DIE!!!!!!!"

"Yugi! Help me!" Tristan screams.

"You should have picked a better card man... sorry."

And Tristan is killed instantly by the White Magical Hat, and Bakura just laughs. "Sucks for him."

"That wasn't very nice Bakura..."

"You played him. Not me. You want to blame someone, try blaming yourself for playing such a bad card."

"Good point," Not-Yugi shrugged, "maybe I should play Joey, who's attack points don't totally suck."

"Might as well."

Flame Swordsman Joey shows up on the playing field and everyone is surprised at how hot he is.

"WTF? Yugi? Ryou? Why am I in a dress?" Joey asks, confused as usual.

"You're a Duel Monster now Joey. Go lay the smack down on Bakura's monsters for me." Not-Yugi explains.

"Uh... ok." Joey agrees, apparently alright with the idea that he's a Duel Monster and delivers the smack down as requested.

Bakura is a bit angry that Joey is actually a good monster and lays down a Morphing Jar... even though it should totally be called the Megamorph Pot, because that's what the name of this episode is. But who's counting?

Not-Yugi has to discard his hand and draw a new one.

This time the Dark Magician is drawn and we realize that it is indeed a real duel, because it's not a real duel until the Dark Magician is played. (And Monster Reborn is played as well to get Tristan back, but no one really cares.)

"WTF! Hey! You! What are you doing in my body?" Yugi yells up at Not-Yugi.

"Uh... playing Duel Monsters with Not-Ryou? Is that ok?"

"Sure. Fine by me. I was just curious. So what do you think of me as a Dark Magician? Am I sexy?"

"Mahado is way cuter than you will ever be lil' Yugi," Bakura shakes his head.

"Mahado?" Not-Yugi wonders. "Who's that?"

"Oh yeah... no memories. I forgot. Forget I said anything."

"Whatever. Yugi? Will you do the honours?" Not-Yugi asks.

"My pleasure!"

"Uh... guys? What the hell is going on? Why are there two Yugi's? And why am I back on this playing field again when I know I was totally dead a second ago." Tristan wonders.

"I think someone slipped LSD into our drinks," Joey shrugs.

"No, this is totally real. It's just magic. And there aren't two of me. That guy up there isn't me..." Yugi explains.

"Well who is he?"

"Uh... I don't know. He lives in my head. I've never really seen him until now."

"I'm still sticking with the LSD theory."

"Uh... Yugi? You going to attack anytime soon?" Not-Yugi asks.

"OH! Sorry. My bad! Dark Magic Attack!" Yugi yells and lays the smack down on Bakura's second Morphing Jar. "Kick ass! Yeah! Other me... did you see that?! Wasn't I cool!"

"Good job Yugi. 'Cept now I have to discard my hand again. Lucky for you I didn't have anything I needed."

"Oops. Sorry."

"S'ok lil buddy."

Not-Yugi draws Tea's card and decides it's better to play it than to not.

Bakura swipes some of Not-Yugi's life points and says something sexily evil like, "You'll feel like each and every point was ripped from your beating heart," and the writer swoons at his evil hotness because you'll soon discover she's a hopeless Bakura fan girl.

"Hey guys! Cool costumes. But I didn't know it was Halloween..." Teá says.

The boys shut her up and explain that they are all experiencing a drug induced hallucination where giant Not-Yugi and giant Not-Ryou are duelling for their souls.

Teá is quick to notice that Not-Yugi is way hotter than real Yugi, and the fan girls are behind her 100 percent with that decision.

Yugi is jealous of Not-Yugi and tries to show off by attacking one of Bakura's monsters. But it shocks lil Yugi, and he pretty much shuts up after that.

Bakura lays down his Man-Eater Bug and taunts them like the sexy evil asshole that he is. Though it would have been much more evil to let them find out _after_ they attacked it... but whatever.

Joey insists that Not-Yugi should use his trap card to sacrifice him instead of letting that Man-Eater Bug take out someone else.

For some reason that seems like a good idea, even though Joey is the second strongest monster on the field. But this is Not-Yugi's show, so I guess he can do what he likes.

Joey is sacrificed, and the Man-Eater Bug is no more.

Teá cries, and we realize that it's a lucky thing she's the Magician of Faith, because she can bring back magic cards, which means Monster Reborn is back in play and Joey is back from the graveyard and there is much rejoicing.

Bakura is aggravated about the whole deal because friendship is stupid and these losers are wasting his time, so he plays the Lady of Faith because she has a pretty dress, and then lays down the Change of Heart card in hopes to fuck with their heads and make Yugi attack his friends.

But Ryou is too nice to do that to Yugi, and takes control of the Lady of Faith, because she has a pretty dress, and insists that Yugi should attack him instead.

"No, I've got something cooler to do," Not-Yugi says, "because I am magical, and I think Bakura would look better in that dress."

"Hey! I look pretty!" Ryou shouts. "_I'm pretty_!"

"Yeah, you are sweetie, now let me lay the smack down on your evil half so you don't have to be controlled by him anymore." Not-Yugi says nicely, and then makes Ryou and Bakura switch places.

"Oh... well ok. I can handle that." Ryou says with a smile.

"That's what I thought. Now... Yugi, please deliver the smack down on Bakura."

And Yugi does, and Not-Yugi wins the duel.

Bakura is sent to the card graveyard and must run around, screaming like a little girl to escape the wrath of the Reaper of the Cards. Even though... he's in the Shadow Realm? And... it's just an illusion. And Bakura should probably know that by now?

Everyone's souls are returned to their proper places, and Ryou and Yugi have a conversation about where Ryou got his Millennium Ring. Everyone else wakes up, thinking that they had just had strange dreams.

In the distance a woman screams. Viewers can easily tell that it is Mai, but the credit's roll before we can find out what happens. And that, my friends, is how you get people to tune in for the next episode.

Dundundun!!!!!!!!!

* * *

_If you love me and want more... you'd review!  
gives puppy eyes_


	4. Episode LXX: Double Duel

_I would just like you to know that doing this chapter cracked me up. _

_Hope you like it!_

* * *

Episodes 70-73  
Even though my DVD says that it's episodes 170-173 because... I have no idea why. And I'm so serious. That's what the dumb thing says. Even though the real episodes 170-173 are... uh... Joey vs. Varon in the Doom Series, which American television hasn't even gotten to yet.

Seriously, look at the Battle City DVD's when you get the chance, and the episode numbers are in the hundreds! Does anyone know why this is?

Oh yeah... the name of these episodes are Double Duel, Double Duel, Double Duel... and Double Duel, not to be confused with Double Trouble Duel. That was so last season. Or if you like, The Spell of Mask, a High Level Duel (because it is), The God Cards are Sealed! (because they are), Finished! (even though it's not), and The Destructive God Obelisk (because he is).

Anyway... whatever. We're moving on before I get annoyed.

_**Today we begin our show with a sweet conversation between siblings. The screen shows images of Domino City while we hear Joey and Serenity talk over the phone, because the camera guy forgot where the hospital was, and was hoping no one will notice. Finally, he finds Serenity, and he's still got his job.**_

"Guess what sis?" Joey announces.

"You're going to the Battle City Finals?" Serenity says.

"Hey Sis! I didn't know you were psychic!"

"I'm not. Tristan told me... I mean wait, no, I meant that I knew that you would make the finals because you're an awesomely cool brother and a super terrific duellist."

"Thanks sis. I couldn't have done it without your support. Even though you have never even been within miles of any one of my duels. But still... it's the thought that counts."

"But I've been flirting with Tristan the whole time. In fact, I haven't thought of you at all."

"Oh. Well. Whatever. Thanks sis."

"Any time big brother. Oh yeah... by the way, I get to take my bandages taken off tonight, so don't go getting your mind controlled by any sexy Egyptians today, alright?"

"No worries. Like that would ever happen. Anyway, Tristan will be there to get you in a bit, but right now I've gotta go! A sexy Egyptian just showed up." And in a beautiful display of grace and gratitude... he... almost breaks Te's phone while trying to turn it off.

And over walks Marik with his arm around a bleeding Ryou. Oh... wait... he's not bleeding is he? That's right! He's only got a bandage tied loosely around his arm. He is quite _obviously,_ seriously hurt. Something must be done immediately or he could loose that arm.

"Hey sexy Egyptian!" Joey greets him.

"Hi future mind slave! I brought you back your pretty friend. His arm is seriously wounded because he may or may not have stabbed himself to prove his loyalty to me and my evil plots. You should really have him looked at."

And Gramps steals Ryou away from everyone, and they go to the hospital, never to be seen in this episode again.

"Good idea. Thanks for bringing him back. What's your name hot stuff?" Joey says.

"Marik. But I'm trying to hide my identity from you, so call me Namu."

"Namu? Doesn't that mean "nameless"?" Teá asks.

"Yes. Is that a problem? Doesn't your name mean an herbal drink with an accent over the A?"

"Good point. You wanna be our friend Namu? You're pretty hot, and we're looking to add some sex appeal to the bunch, since Tristan is kinda bringing us down."

"Sure, being your friend will work nicely with my evil plot to kidnap you in just a bit."

"Cool." Joey agrees. "So, since you have a Duel Disk, do you play Duel Monsters?"

"No. It helps me balance when I walk. My left arm weighs a lot more than my right one does for some reason. But... have we ever met before?"

"Just that one time you were controlling one of your rare hunters to duel me, and you took my Red-Eyes, but I don't think that really counts, because we weren't even face to face."

"Yeah, good point."

_**Meanwhile, as the car carrying Gramps and Ryou takes off, Not-Yugi and Seto walk right by, oblivious to the fact that they just passed the very people who they were looking for, even though Teá and Joey are shouting at the top of their lungs. But I guess Pharaoh's and Sorcerers can't be observant all the time...**_

"My friends are in great danger!" Not-Yugi insists.

"Damn it you, why are you always so paranoid?" Seto glares at him... because he always glares at him.

"I'm not paranoid! They're in danger! DANGER!!!"

"Dude, the satellite in outer space that I totally control says that your loser friends are around here somewhere. And you know that my satellite doesn't lie, because I made it when I was eleven, because I'm a super-genius. Maybe if you'd stop shouting 'they're in danger!' every six seconds you could find them."

So Not-Yugi takes off running in the completely opposite direction of where he needs to go, and Seto just rolls his eyes and laughs. It wouldn't be surprising if he actually knew where Joey and Teá were the whole time and just didn't say anything, because that kinda seems like something Seto would do.

_**Meanwhile, on the ESP hotline, Marik gives his orders to his rare hunters to "go through with the plan" and duel Yugi and Kaiba for their God Cards while he fakes his own kidnapping. And everyone knows that it's a failsafe plan for sure, because sexy Egyptians surrounded by hot pink flames of doom come up with the best evil pots EVER!**_

"Go distract Kaiba and Yugi while I kidnap their loved ones," Marik instructs.

"Yeah, Obelisk will be easy to get from Kaiba," one says.

"And Slifer will be a snap," adds the other.

"Sure, if you say so. But this is Kaiba and Yugi we're talking about. They are main characters in this show and are quite likely much better duellists than either of you will ever be. You did hear the part about how you are just distracting them... right? I mean, if you can win, that's fine by me. But don't get your hopes up. Sexy Egyptian, over and out!"

"Rodger that."

And the ESP hotline is dead, and then Marik is back to the real world and chases after Joey and Teá to commence phase one of the "Capture the Friendship Harpy, Dog Boy and Mini-Kaiba while making it look like I totally wasn't involved" plot.

And... the plan succeeds.

_**Across town, Not-Yugi is learning the magical uses of the telephone, and gives Teá a call. **_

All he hears is "YUGI HELP!" from her, which everyone knows really means either "I've been kidnapped by Marik and his goons. Come save me," or "Timmy fell down the well."

For some weird reason Not-Yugi seems to think it's the first option and the audience is rather impressed with the memory-deprived pharaoh's deductive reasoning skills. Seto Kaiba just pokes fun at him, calls him paranoid and tells him to chill out for five minutes.

But not two seconds later, Seto's trench coat informs him that there is something blocking the satellite signal.

The audience becomes rather jealous that Seto has a trench coat that is not only fashionable, but can defy gravity, talk to him, turn into a speed boat, play out-of-tune Christmas carols when you touch the bottom button, and make french-fries when he gets hungry. The thing is probably fire proof and comes equipped with rocket launchers as well, but we can't be too sure.

_**Somewhere in downtown Domino, Mokuba is being stalked...**_

"Hey little boy. Want some candy?"

"Fuck you _and_ your ugly grandma!" Mokuba growls and tries to run away. Trouble with that is... he's carrying a briefcase six times bigger than he is, and pretty much has no chance.

This brings the times Mokuba has been kidnapped in this season alone up to 1206, and viewers are just waiting for the time Seto goes, "You've kidnapped my brother? Ha! Like I've never heard that one before..." and just hangs up the phone.

But that time is... not this time. And the Rare Hunters capture Mokuba.

**_Across town (because apparently there are 18687 settings in this episode) at the hospital of the most expensive operations IN THE WORLD, Serenity is sitting in her bed_**.

"My brother is the coolest," Serenity says.

The nurse rolls her eyes, sticks her tongue out and grumbles, "Thank goodness you're leaving today because I'm sick of you talking about your brother every 8.6 seconds."

_**And then... we're back to Not-Yugi and Kaiba, because the animators assume we have short attention spans.**_

"WTF?" Kaiba growls, "Did we accidentally stumble onto the set of The Matrix?"

Viewers may be curious why he asks this... but Kaiba is curious as to why a man in a purple cape is jumping from the rooftop to rooftop of all the 1010568 story buildings downtown. I mean, even in Domino City, that's not crap you see everyday.

"Look to the sky young one," the purple-robed Matrix extra says, and right on queue, a helicopter comes flying down the street with Mokuba dangling from a rope below it.

Viewers are curious as to how Marik gets all his funding for his evil plots if he has been living underground for most of his life wearing bed sheets. I mean seriously! How does he afford that helicopter, and the YACHT!? Or rent out a room and renovate it so that the duelling arena in the centre has spinning disks of death, or an entire warehouse, or a giant anchor with time-activated boxes? Seriously.

"Fuck you _and_ your ugly grandma!" Seto growls. "If you know what's good for your health, you'll give him back."

"All in good time. I'll give him back if you beat me in a duel. And Yugi, we've got your friends, so you're invited too."

"Actually, I think I'll pass," Not-Yugi shrugs.

"Like hell you're going to pass," Seto argues, "You've drug me all over the city looking for those dweebs. You're coming with me to duel these jackasses if nothing more than to get you to freakin shut up about how they're 'in great danger' and whatever. So move it!"

"Fine! I heard you. But does this means you plan to working together with me now?"

"I'm going to say no, but I really mean yes, because deep down you are probably my best friend in the world. I'm just too stubborn to admit that. At least at this stage in the series anyway.

"Ok, let's go kick some butt on top of a gazillion story building that couldn't possibly have a trap waiting for us."

"Rodger that."

_**And the next scene we are shown is Kaiba, Not-Yugi and the two Matrix extras standing on top of a gazillion story building that happens to have a glass roof. **_

"Whose gay ass idea was it to have a duel up here? It's windy as hell?" Not-Yugi demands. "Do you know how hard it is to get my hair like this? The wind is totally going to ruin it."

"I'm actually alright with the wind," Seto shrugs, "because I look hot when my hair blows around by face."

"Good point," Not-Yugi nods. "I'd say that breaks us even. So... what is it that you freak shows want from us?"

"To duel you?" one answers... because there are two of them by the way.

"Why?"

"Master Marik said we should."

"Guess that's as good of a reason as any," Seto shrugs. "Who are you though?"

"Lumis and Umbra."

"You mean the guys I beat a few episodes ago in two turns?"

"Two in the same," Lumis nods.

"Why are you wearing stupid masks?"

"We have bad acne on only half of our faces... and our decks may or may not have lots of stupid masks in them." Lumis says.

"Hey! Isn't Lumis a spell from Harry Potter?" Not-Yugi wonders.

"It's _Lumos_ actually... but they do sound rather similar now that you mention it." Seto corrects him. "So... lets get this bitch over with, shall we?"

"Wait! There are rules!" says the Harry Potter spell. "This will be a double duel. The title wouldn't make sense if it weren't. Anyway... it works like a normal duel except there are four players instead of two. We'll take turns. Whoever loses first loses. And if you do lose... guess what?"

"You lose?" Seto says.

"Well... yes. But, you also get a one way ticket to the Shadow Realm! See this glass that we're standing on? Once your score board reaches zero, a tiny bomb will go off, break the glass, and send you falling."

"And that sends us to the Shadow Realm... how?"

"It's a magical portal silly!"

"But... wouldn't you just fall to your death? I mean... how is the glass rooftop of an unimportant building a magical portal to the Shadow Realm? "

"I... don't really know. Just take my word for it."

"But I thought that only people who have Millennium Items have access to the Shadow Realm."

"He's right," Not-Yugi agrees. "If the glass breaks... we should just fall to our deaths. Clearly neither of you have Millennium Items so you have no way of sending us to the Shadow Realm on your own power. And this glass rooftop couldn't possibly be a portal to the Shadow Realm, because there _are_ no portals to the Shadow Realm. Trust me. I know. I sealed that bitch up!"

"No! if the glass breaks you go to the Shadow Realm!"

"Fall to your death!"

"Shadow Realm!"

"DEATH!"

"Shadow Realm!"

"Well what are you wearing parachutes for then?"

"Fuck it! Fine! If you lose, you fall to your death."

"Thank you! That's all I wanted to hear." Not-Yugi says smugly. "Now lets get this bitch over with. Harry Potter spell, you can go first because you're such an idiot I figure you'll need as much of a head start as I can give you."

Lumis goes first.

Not-Yugi goes next.

Then Umbra summons a monster, and Lumis plays a magic card that gives their side of the field a monster with 2600 attack points... and Seto hasn't even gone yet.

"Shit, they're working together. Seto, we should work together too!"

"Uh, how about not?"

"Do you seriously want to lose to these masked losers?"

"No."

"Then work with me here rich boy."

"Give me a second... the episode is over. Can I have the credits to think about it?"

"That's fair."

And the end credits roll... and then magically the opening credits roll as well, and Seto is angry with me that I didn't given him enough time to come up with an excuse to tell Not-Yugi no and somewhere in the background you can almost hear him saying... "Elves suck."

"So... we working together or not?" Not-Yugi asks.

"How about not."

"Fine, your funeral."

"SHADOW REALM! You go to the Shadow Realm if you lose. You don't die!" Lumis squeals.

"Shut the fuck up and go already," Seto sneers... and Lumis does.

"This stupid mask I just plays makes it so you can't sacrifice monsters... meaning you can't summon squat! No Blue-Eyes. No Dark Magician. And no God Cards." Lumis explains.

"Fuck it all. Yugi! Look what you did!"

"I did?! I didn't do anything. Why are you blaming a card HE played on me?" Not-Yugi demands... as he rightfully should.

"Because I can," Seto says, but... that's not much of an answer.

They argue a bit, lure Seto into a trap and swipe almost half his life points, kill his only line of defence, and then cut away right as we are lead to believe that Seto is about to lose.

But if viewers were paying attention, they know that Not-Yugi played Kuriboh... so what happens next won't surprise anyone.

_**Back at the hospital of the most expensive operations ever, Serenity is still sitting on her bed.**_

"Hey hot stuff. Ready to go?" Tristan says.

"Yeah. And guess what? I get to take off my bandages tonight!"

"Really?" he says nervously, because he's only known Serenity since she's been blind, and since she's never seen him before... that might not be good for Team Tristan when she finally does.

"Yeah. But I'm scared that I'll take them off and still not be able to see."

"If your three million dollar eye operation doesn't fix your eyesight, sweetie, I'm sorry but you're destined to be blind."

_**Down the hallway?**_

"Bakura... are you asleep?" Gramps asks.

"No you nit wit, I lay motionless for hours with my eyes closed all the time! OF COURSE I'M ASLEEP!"

"I wish we knew who did this to you..."

"I did it silly. I mean... uh... Snore, snore..."

_**And... at a warehouse by Domino Pier.**_

"A room full of boxes! I can make the coolest fort EVER!" says Teá after they throw her inside. Or... at least that's what she should have said, because she totally could have done that. But oh no... she tries to make an escape by piling them all up, and then falling on her ass.

The fort idea would have been much cooler.

_**Back on top of the portal to the Shadow Realm... haha**_

Oh look, a billion Kuribohs just saved Kaiba. Who would have guessed?!

"You... you just saved my life!... points..." Kaiba says, astounded.

"Tchya. You're too pretty to let die."

And the audience totally agrees.

"SHADOW REALM!" Lumis squeals.

"Enough already!" they say in unison.

And the audience totally agrees.

"So, you still don't want to work with me, Seto?"

"No."

"Why not? Don't you understand how much we would kick ass? I mean, we're the two best duellists IN THE WORLD."

"Ok... so maybe you have a point. You save me... I'll save you. I guess it won't kill me."

Lumis and Umbra grow nervous.

_**Back at the warehouse of the potentially awesome box fort...**_

"Mokuba!"

"Teá!"

"Getting kidnapped sucks."

"Yeah... but you sort of get used to it after a while," Mokuba shrugs. "But you also learn to escape pretty well too. Watch this!"

And Mokuba escapes.

"Fine! Leave me ya little brat!"

And Teá still doesn't take advantage of the box fort idea...

_**And, we're back to the fake portal to the Shadow Realm**._

"Shit! I just drew my Blue-Eyes, and I can't freakin play it. Yugi better have something good up his sleeve."

Lumis plays another stupid mask.

The wall of Kuribohs disappear.

"Have fun in the Shadow Realm, Yugi!" Lumis says.

"If you say the words Shadow and Realm one more time, I swear to God I will break your nose." Seto warns.

And then later, through coded talk, Yugi helps Seto summon his Blue-Eyes and Lumis and Umbra cower in fear... as they should.

And the end credits roll... and magically the opening credits roll directly afterwards. But this time, Seto isn't mad at me. We elves are cool like that.

Blue-Eyes lays the smack down on their ugly ass Masked Beast, because Blue-Eyes White Dragon is pretty much the coolest monster in existence.

"Next turn, your Blue-Eyes is going down, Kaiba. And you'll be on your way to the Shad...ow...R..."

Seto cracks his knuckles and glares sharply at Lumis, and he says no more about the Shadow Realm after that.

_**Meanwhile, back at the warehouse of potentially awesome box forts...**_

Sexy Egyptian proceeds to turn Joey into his mind slave. Most feel sorry for him... but then again... Serenity did warn him.

_**And then we're back at the Tower of Stupid Masks.**_

Seto says "dolly," and its adorable.

Lumis and Umbra start arguing.

Seto and Not-Yugi start working together.

Blah blah blah...

Blue-Eyes says, "RRRAAAHHHARAH!"

Seto messes with Lumis' head.

And the duel is pretty much in the bag now.

Meanwhile, all over Domino City... Tristan gets shut down after Serenity calls him "a friend" and Teá is shown what a good mind slave Joey makes. Things are looking good.

Lumis and Umbra begin to show that they worship Marik a bit more than is healthy... and the audience begins to wonder what duties a mind slave must actually have perform if the two of them are _that_ worried about pleasing him. Marik fan girls wonder where they can apply for the job of "Mind Slave".

Sadly, Blue-Eyes is destroyed, and the show of Yu-Gi-Oh! becomes Transformers for a couple of seconds while Not-Yugi totally shouts, "TRANSFORM!" to his magnet warriors.

Valkierion kills their stupid ugly masked monster, then becomes a sacrifice for Obelisk... and Not-Yugi and Kaiba win without a sweat. But no one should be surprised, because even Marik knew that Lumis and Umbra wouldn't win.

Umbra falls down the light shaft in after the glass breaks beneath him, which so obviously wasn't the Shadow Realm. But I think we've established that.

Lumis gets possessed by Marik to have a little chat with Seto and Not-Yugi, to let them know that he's keeping their loved ones safe for a while. (Obviously no one's told Marik about Mokuba's escape yet...)

Seto threatens to beat the snot out of Lumis, but Mokuba shows up... in a helicopter? How? Did? What?! We knew he escaped and all, but I wouldn't think that the first place Mokuba would think to look for his brother at would be on top of a building. But that just might be me.

"Get in the helicopter Yugi! We've gotta go save Teá!" Seto says.

"I...uh... ok? You're? UH... helping me?"

"I told you earlier that when I said no, I really meant yes and that you're really my best friend in the world, I just don't want to admit it. So get in the helicopter already, before I change my mind!"

And the helicopter flies off toward the direction of the warehouse of potentially awesome box forts with Seto's theme song playing in the background... and you have to admit, that no matter what language the show is in... Seto has an awesomely cool theme song.

* * *

_Wow that was much long! And since I'm sure most of you didn't get the Elf jokes... my screename, Galenhiril, is elvish, hence why I refered to myself as an elf. _

_Again, thank you all SO much for your reviews. You are seriously the only reason I'm doing these, because other wise I would have left it at Episode 1 and called it good._

_Comming up next: Master of Magicians... because Arcana is weird._


	5. Episode LX: Master of Magicians

_Read. Love. Enjoy. Review. Whatever._

* * *

Episodes 60-62  
Despite my evil DVD calling them 160-162, but we've already established how much this annoys the authoress…. So I'm not even going to let myself get started.

Here on planet Earth we call these episodes The Master of Magicians parts 1, 2, and 3. Or sometimes we call them Master of the Black Magician, Pandora; Black Magic of Soul; and Disciple of Black Magic, Black Magician Girl.

Actually… call them what you want. We don't care.

_**Today's episode begins with... a… friendly… jumping of a skinny guy in a back alley by a bigger blonde guy who looks a good deal like Raphael. Or maybe Vegeta from Dragonball Z. Though I'm a bit surprised that I even know Vegeta's name since I've never even seen Dragonball Z. But anyway…**_

"You can't take my cards! It's against tournament rules," the smaller guy on the ground is whining. We don't really know why he's whining, because obviously there's nothing he can do about it… and the big guy is gonna do what he wants anyway. "You only get one of my rarest cards!"

"Tough crap. I'm making up my own rules. Give me TWO of your rarest cards!"

Two… ? Seriously? You beat the guy up and only ask for two? Way to live on the edge there tough guy.

Suddenly! A whistle blows!

"Duelling foul! That's a fifteen yard penalty. Repeat second down!" Mokuba yells… or at least the part about the duelling foul.

"Beat it cupcake," Tough Guy sneers.

"Cupcake?" Mokuba snarls, "Bitch, my left shoelace costs more than your education, so you can shut the hell up and do what I tell you. Got me?"

"How about no, shrimp?"

"How about I kick you in the face? Burn your house down? Duel you?" a deep, dark, sexy voice comes from nowhere. And even though we can't see him yet, we know well enough by now that it's Seto, and he's about to lay the smack down on Raphael/Vegeta. And if Tough Guy knew what was best for him, he would run the other way. But since he's stupid enough to only ask for two rare cards after beating someone up, when he could have just taken his whole deck, it's a sure bet that Tough Guy is an idiot.

But Tough Guy turns around anyway, curious about the sexy voice. "S…S…Seto Kaiba?!"

"Tchya. Who else would I be?" he shrugs, "Now, I don't like when people talk crap to my brother, which I totally just heard you do. And you broke rules, which is a no no, so I think I'll embarrass the ever-loving snot out of you right here and now by letting you select any of my SUPER ULTRA MEGA RARE cards that I carry around in my briefcase for some strange reason, and add them to your lame-ass deck, and then duel you."

"Kick ass! I'll totally win for sure. You sure you want to give me these cards? I mean… with my skill, I'll wipe the floor with you!"

"Considering you don't even have a name in this show… I'm highly doubting it."

"Whatever. It's time to duel."

"Fine by me. Obelisk the Tormentor! KEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Audience… is… confused as to how Kaiba summoned Obelisk on his first turn without sacrificing any monsters, but no one liked Tough Guy and so no one really cares. The sooner he was gone, the better, and we're glad to see him cowering in a corner in fear of Obelisk, or Kaiba, or quite possibly both. It's hard to say.

"Come on Mokuba, let's go find Yugi," Seto says, and walks off.

_**Meanwhile, in a dark room of evil plottingness…**_

"So, my loyal hooded man servant, Obelisk has been played?" Marik asks.

"Yes master. And guess who has it? Seto Kaiba," says Odeon.

"Oh, of course he does. I mean why wouldn't he? He's only a reincarnated High Priest who is the rightful owner of the Millennium Rod I'm carrying in my hands right now. Makes sense he'd have a God Card, since he's one of the only people who can use it," he sighs with obvious disdain, and under his breath you can hear him grumbling, "Damn you Ishizu." But he only likes to say it because it rhymes.

"So… you want me to send someone out to duel Kaiba for his Obelisk?" asks Rare Hunter #11.

"Nah, let him play. How about you guys send out Arkana and let him duel Yugi."

"But…"

"NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

_**At the hospital of the world's most expensive operations…**_

"See ya later hot stuff," says Tristan while putting on his motorcycle helmet to prove his coolness to Serenity, resting on the theory that chicks dig guys with motorcycles. And it might have actually worked too… if Serenity wasn't, ya know… blind and all. "I'm going to go watch Joey and Yugi duel."

"Man I wish I could go…"

"How about I take you, when you get your bandages off?"

"Promise?"

"Am I going to get any, after words?"

"Probably not."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to play it by ear then. See ya."

_**Meanwhile, somewhere in downtown Domino/Battle City…**_

"Nice job wiping the floor with Espa last episode, Joey," Téa says. "With a name that dumb… he just had to lose."

"Yeah, and I'm just that good!" Joey exclaims.

"I guess you don't suck too bad anymore," Gramps agrees, and then he and Téa take off, leaving Joey alone for some reason we still aren't sure of. They insist they are on their way to find Yugi.

_**Speaking of Yugi…**_

"Don't you think it's going to be hard for Joey to win without his Red-Eyes now?" Yugi says to Not-Yugi, because talking to the voices in your head is all the rage in Domino these days.

"He's a main character, he'll be fine without it. I'm sure it will come in handy later on though, when we have to use it against him."

"….uh…?? Well I guess you're right. I mean, he did just beat Espa Roba without it." Yugi agrees. "And this card will help save the world from evil!" he adds.

The authoress giggles slightly, because he TOTALLY says that like it's not a big deal. I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but saving the world from evil seems like a bit more of a challenge than remembering to brush your teeth in the morning. But I guess to Yugi it's not.

"And speaking of evil…. Skinny, badly-dressed clown at eleven o'clock! Let's follow him!" insists Not-Yugi. And Yugi goes along with it, because apparently, clowns that don't move their mouths when they talk to you are not the least but unsettling to him, and following after him alone, into a freaky carnival tent seems like an alright thing to do!

So… they go.

"Come into this dark closet with me… my master is waiting for you," Freaky Clown says, beckoning Not-Yugi with a creepy laugh and curling fingers.

This… my friends, seems a bit too kinky for a kids show, but if Not-Yugi is ok with it, then so are we!

Téa and Gramps happen to be right behind Not-Yugi and yell for him to stop but Not-Yugi is far too curious about the dark closet he's been beckoned into and ignores them. And then, the dark closet totally goes all magical, bursts into purple smoke, falls apart and swallows Not-Yugi whole! Or makes him disappear at least.

"YUGI!!!!!!!!" Téa yells.

_**Somewhere else in Domino/Battle City not two seconds later…**_

"Seto! My spider senses are tingling again!" Mokuba shouts. "Yugi totally just disappeared!"

"Disappeared?! WTF?! I mean… not that I care or anything, because I totally don't, but Mokuba, check the Duel Disk tracking system stat! We've gotta find him! Not that I care, or anything. I really… just need to know where he is. God cards and stuff… "

_**For the 239173 scene change in the last 3 minutes, we find that Not-Yugi has been transported by tractor beam to C-deck of the star ship Enterprise. Or… at least to some undisclosed location by a magical box with knife slots. Either one is still a bit unsettling, if you ask me. **_

"Now hacking into Battle City data base," says the computer on the desk. Seriously. So apparently discretion isn't something they were going for. "Duellist profile for Yugi Motou. Skill level: kick ass. Rarest card: Sexy Monster."

Suddenly! Sexy Monster goes through a costume change, and appears as a hologram before Not-Yugi and says, "You are not worthy of having me in your deck."

Not-Yugi laughs and says, "Nice trick, but clearly you are not Sexy Monster, because his voice wasn't as stupid as yours when he was actually alive."

And then a cackle comes from the shadows, "Hi Yugi Motou! I have a Sexy Monster too, but yours is hotter than mine and I must have him. Duel me! Now!"

"And… you are?"

"Pandora. But my American friends call me Arkana."

"Why?"

"I'm not really sure. Maybe because Pandora refers to a Greek woman who had an infatuation with opening boxes and… they refuse to call me anything that could have a religious connotation. Even though that would have a mythic connotation rather than religious. Or maybe, because Pandora is a woman's name, and that could possibly insinuate that I am, in fact, a woman. I guess they would rather call me Arkana, which looks like Arkansas without the S's."

"Uh… whatever," Not-Yugi shakes his head. "So, we're duelling?"

"That is the general idea, yes," says Arkana. And it must be noted that he is wearing a hideous mask to cover the top half of his face, and the most… um… interesting pants I dare say I have ever seen. Or at least I hope that's his pants, because otherwise Arkana has some very strange and funky hips.

"And I must say," Arkana continues, "That your Sexy Monster doesn't like you as much as my Sexy Monster does; being a magician myself, we find that we have a lot in common. You're not a magician… so you're not as cool as me. And I'm sure it hurts to know that there is another duellist that uses your favourite card, but you're just going to have to get used to it! Pplthhhh!"

"Dude, whatever. I'd kick your ass even if you had a God Card, even though I technically don't know about those yet. My Sexy Monsters ALWAYS comes through for me, so save you're breath and let's duel."

"So it's true that the great Yugi Motou never backs down from a challenge."

"It wouldn't be much of a show if I did, now would it? What kind of message would that send to the kids at home? And why do you keep changing the subject? I want to freakin duel. And, speaking about this duel… it must be noted that you lured me here by the cunning technique of "get Yugi to follow a freaky clown," so surely you've got something planned for me. I mean… I've been around long enough to know when I'm walking into a trap. So, where is it?"

"Just down the stairwell. Come on! Marik set it all up for us."

"You're working for Marik?!"

"Yes. He's got a good dental plan."

"Oh… we'll in that case, let's get on with it!"

"Isn't Marik awesome? He had this specially built for just this duel. He even painted a question mark on the door. And it's in such an undisclosed location, even Kaiba won't be able to find us."

"Kaiba's a super genius. I bet he could find us if he tried."

"Blah blah, let's duel."

"You know… you said that you're a magician, so it might be a smart move on my part to not trust you considering you probably know a bunch of card tricks and what not. So no cheating!"

"I would never cheat! Besides, it's only cheating if you get caught!" Arkana insists, and then out of nowhere, huge metal ankle cuffs come out of the side of the custom built duelling arena and lock both Not-Yugi and Arkana in. "Oh yea, I should have told you earlier. This will be a SHADOW GAME!!!!!!"

"You have a Millennium Item too?!"

"No."

"Then it's not a Shadow Game. You can't open a portal to the Shadow Realm without a Millennium Item."

"Then what are those?" Arkana chuckles and glowing blue-green spinning disks of doom pop out of the walls.

"Air-brushed and edited giant spinning saw blades?"

"No! Dark Energy Disks!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"Dude, just because I was locked up in the Millennium Puzzle for a gazillion years, doesn't mean I don't know what a giant spinning saw blade looks like."

"No. See, the closer our life points get to zero, the closer the Dark Energy Disk will get to us. Once you hit zero, the disk will touch you and your mind will be sent to the Shadow Realm."

"You mean, my legs will be sawed off because I'm locked in, and that blade is at the perfect height on the wall to take me out at the knees?"

"No! To the Shadow Realm."

"I do believe that I am experiencing an extreme sensation of Déjà vu," Not-Yugi might have been thinking to himself, considering that he and Seto had a very similar conversation with Lumis and Umbra about this very subject… but technically that hasn't happened yet, because this is ten episodes prior to the double duel on top of the fake portal to the Shadow Realm, so really he couldn't have been thinking that. The readers of this parody might though, because I know that I sure am. Instead though, Not-Yugi just sighs and calls him a demented mad-man! Go Not-Yugi! We TOTALLY agree. Only a mad man would dress and talk like he does, and we're glad that you see it too.

Oh wait, you're referring to the Dark Energy Disks that will send you to the Shadow Realm by… cutting off your legs?

Where does one go to purchase Dark Energy Disks anyway? I've been meaning to get some, and can't find them anywhere! I wonder if Marik has got a catalogue he'd let me borrow. The spinning saw blades I have at home just aren't doing the trick…

"Draw your cards, freak show!" Not-Yugi yells.

Arkana does, and then precedes to have a conversation with himself on how… Yugi would never suspect that he rigged his deck so he could draw the Dark Magician on his first draw. But uh… Not-Yugi totally knows that he's a bad guy, and knows that being a magician, he knows card tricks, and since he's wearing a mask, he cannot be trusted. Yeah Arkana… Not-Yugi's got no idea you cheated. You've got him totally fooled. He'll never see that Dark Magician coming.

"HA! I play Card Destruction! Discard your hand and draw a new one because I know yours is totally rigged!" Not-Yugi says smugly.

Yup. You had him totally fooled Arkana.

Totally fooled.

Idiot.

"Damn it! You weren't supposed to figure out I cheated!"

"Yeah, well I guess you can't help being an idiot if you were born that way. Discard you hand now… and while I'm at it, I think I will control your stupid jester monster and sacrifice him to bring out my own Dark Magician! Yeah, bitch! Take that! Fear the wrath of my Sexy Monster!!!!!!"

And Sexy Monster swipes a full 2500 life points from Arkana while Not-Yugi makes sure to point that fact out to him, mostly to rub in the fact that Arkana is an idiot to have even thought about challenging him. I mean, seriously… that was Not-Yugi's second turn. Considering that he went first, it was really the first turn that he was legally able to attack.

"Shit! Dark Energy Disks are getting closer! I don't want to go to the Shadow Realm."

"Dude, just because you spray paint something blue-green doesn't mean you can call it a Dark Energy Disk. Shadow Realm or not, it's still going to chop of both your legs."

"We shall see little Yugi! In the next episode!!!!!!!!!"

And the end credits roll.

BONUS, episode one is over… and… there are still two more to go.

Damn it. I hate Arkana….

"Hey, don't you like the opening credits for Battle City much more than the opening credits for Duellist Kingdom?" Not-Yugi wonders.

"The song is much cooler yes. And my master is a much more attractive baddie than Pegasus ever was," Arkana agrees.

"You're telling me. Pegasus obsessed over the Kaiba brothers a little too much, if you ask me. And not that they're not worth obsessing over, don't get me wrong. Anyone would have to admit that Seto is one fine piece of man. But still Pegasus is a creep no matter which way you look at it. I mean, he invites young boys to come play at his house. It's a little too Michael Jaskson-ish if you ask me. But I digress… we are duelling for our legs and Sexy Monsters here, so let's get back on track. If I remember correctly, I was wiping the floor with your sorry ass. If you were smart about it, you would just give up and get these uncomfortable shackles off our ankles while you still have yours."

"No. I want to see your blasted into mental oblivion."

"Nothing about that sentence makes any sense…."

"Shut up and duel, short stuff! Everyone knows that a magician saves his best moves for the finale."

"Which, in your current position, is right about now."

_**Good point Not-Yugi! But let's check up on the other characters now, shall we? How about Téa and Gramps who are wandering aimlessly about downtown Domino!? Great!**_

"I wonder what happened to Yugi?" Téa wonders.

"I bet he fell into a trap door," Gramps says. Though how one falls _into_ a trap door is beyond me. I always kinda figured you fell _down_ them.

"Yeah. We'll search this whole place over to find him," she says.

So… what are they doing outside then? If Yugi fell down a trap door… inside a building… wouldn't you think to at least check out the basement first?

Maybe that's just me though.

_**Ok… enough of the checking up on other characters. Or at least Gramps and Téa, who are searching the parks of Domino for Yugi, or Not-Yugi, or both technically.**_

"No one will ever find you here, Yugi," Arkana taunts. And as much as it pangs to admit it, at the rate Téa and Gramps are going, Arkana may be correct in that department. "And you're going to be all alone when you lose it all!" And then he comes to the brilliant conclusion that he must find a way to defend himself before Not-Yugi attacks again so he plays… Mystic Tomato in defence mode and a trap or magic card face down.

And I'm sorry, but Mystic Tomato is a stupid name for a monster. There is nothing scary or even remotely mystical about them. And… it looks more like an evil radish anyway.

"Come on Yugi! Attack me. You know you want to!"

So Not-Yugi does, and Arkana pulls one of his only smooth moves in the span of all three episodes he's in, and steals Not-Yugi's monster to use as a sacrifice to summon his own Dark Magician from the grave yard.

"Welcome back my Sexy Monster!!" Arkana coos, as evil Sexy Monster comes to the field to commence the Sexy Monster staring contest!

I am a bit curious as to why Arkana's red Dark Magician has kohl lines under his eyes, but Not-Yugi's purple one does not. I mean… isn't Not-Yugi's Dark Magician supposed to be Mahado? Mahado totally had kohl lines.

I don't understand that.

"OH! I'm totally going to win, because I am a true illusionist and apparently that means I am more qualified to use a Dark Magician card than you."

"So by that logic; the more likeness you have to your card… the better you can use it? Meaning… Seto is a dragon?"

"Yes!"

"Psycho," Not-Yugi rolls his eyes and plays some cards face down

And Arkana places two cards face down.

And Not-Yugi plays a card face down.

And Arkana plays a card face down.

Yugi plays another card face down.

Arkana plays another card face down.

OMG… _THAT's_ what he meant by a "shadow game"! He's going to copy everything he does!

That'll make a great show.

NOT!

"Stop copying me!" Not-Yugi growls.

"Stop copying me!" Arkana echoes.

"I'm serious!"

"I'm serious!"

"Knock it off!"

"Knock it off!"

"Shut up and go already!" Not-Yugi yells.

"Ok fine. You're no fun. I play Mystical Guillotine! Try and edit this part out 4Kids!!!!!" he cackles as chains grab hold of purple Sexy Monster and drag him to said guillotine so Arkana can chop his head off. Good times.

"Whatever," Not-Yugi shrugs, obviously not worried. He did have four magic and/or trap cards on the field… most of them probably having to do with protecting his Dark Magician. "Magical Hats!" Not-Yugi yells.

See. What did I tell you.

"Now, you'll have to find my Sexy Monster before you try and cut his head off! Hahahaha," says Not-Yugi.

"Oh yeah! A Thousand Knives!" Arkana plays… which apparently is a card that can… find hidden cards and proceed to pummel them with a gazillion glowing knives of doom.

"Curse Breaker!!!!!!!" Not-Yugi counters, even though I am pretty damn sure that the card he plays is called De-Spell, considering that's what it's called in every other episode that it's used in. But I guess this is Not-Yugi's show and he could call it Giant Marmalade Peanut if he wanted, so long as it gets the job done.

"Fuck it all! Dark Magic attack!" Arkana yells impatiently.

And Not-Yugi decides to do the same, and tells his own Sexy Monster to attack.

Can you do that? Really? Because they both attacked each other at the same time. I mean… I've got nothing but love for Not-Yugi, don't get me wrong. But he totally attacked Arkana when it wasn't even his turn.

Both Sexy Monsters and blasted to bits, and then simultaneously brought back to life by Monster Reborn, which is sometimes called Reborn the Monster, but I can't complain about that one much because at least they say the same thing. Curse Breaker and De-Spell though… not so much.

Anyway. The audience is somehow confused as to whose turn this is, because Not-Yugi and Arkana are disturbingly in sync with one another, and are doing everything at the exact same time. It's borderline creepy actually.

"And we're… back to where we started," Arkana notes.

"Wow. You're a regular Sherlock Holmes. How about you unchain me, and you can duel me with honour."

"Duelling with honour is no fun."

"Eh, well… you're legs, not mine. But answer me this: why did you lead me down here and force me into a duel?"

"I don't know how much force was involved in getting you to duel. If you really didn't want to duel me, you could have said 'no' and walked away. You really are paranoid aren't you?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yes I did."

"No. I asked why you lead me down here."

"Marik told me I should."

"You work for Marik?!"

"Yes. I told you that already."

"Oh yeah. Good dental. I forgot."

"He also mentioned something about plastic surgery, which I totally need. See my face!" and then he removes his ugly mask, and Not-Yugi gasps at his true hideousness. But do we get to see?!

NO!

"So that's why you wear a mask! I thought it was for some symbolic reason, but it turns out, you're just really ugly from the nose up. Put that mask back on! You're creeping me out." Not-Yugi says. "And out of curiosity… what happened to you?"

"Glad you asked. I had this flashback sequence especially prepared for occasions just like this. It's even got a voice over of me explaining everything!"

"Sweet! Roll that beautiful bean footage!"

And flashback sequence commences, showing a maskless Arkana performing magic shows with some hot assistant chick named Katherine he was engaged to. Apparently, he was tied up in a coffin-like box… as people often are… being lifted by a crane into mid air when the damn thing bursts into flame.

Talk about a bad day.

How odd is it for a box to just spontaneously combust anyway? Let alone… when you're tied up inside it.

So he lost his job, most his face, and ended up losing his fiancé because he thought she wouldn't love him anymore, now being unemployed and deformed, so he pushed her away.

And then… he met Marik and his life was forever changed.

Apparently.

Though Arkana fails to mention why this is exactly, aside from the fact about the good dental plan.

Oh wait… Marik said he'd help Arkana get his fiancé back if he bet Yugi in a duel. Guess that's a good deal, if you want to leave out the bit about Marik helping Arkana get his fiancé back… with the aide of the MILLENNIUM ROD!

That's really swell.

Why don't you just try… apologizing to her Arkana. She'll probably be much more receptive to that than having her MIND CONTROLLED! But whatever.

"Dude, I don't know how well Marik is going to do at rebuilding relationships. He's been living under a rock his whole life. And he is the bad guy in this entire season, and trusting him to do anything for you is probably not a good idea."

"Not true. Marik is going to help me win back my sweetheart!" he says, "See! Look behind me!" and then a curtain behind Arkana lights up, and we are shown a silhouette of a young woman sitting in a chair. "Give me a minute darling, while I wipe the floor with Yugi, and then we can be together forever!"

So… she's been there the whole time? Hasn't said anything. And continues to remain silent, even after Arkana addressed her?

Something about that just doesn't seem right.

"You're a fool to trust in him. Instead you should be trusting in yourself. And in your cards." Not-Yugi says.

Fuck it all… that could have been a good line if he had left the whole card bit out.

"They're just cards Yugi."

"No! My heart is in my deck, and my deck is going to kick your deck's ass!"

"I beg to differ. I built my deck with the sole purpose to take your Dark Magician away from you!" Arkana laughs, and the proceeds to drool over the fact that… the "Dark Energy Disks" are going to steel something even more precious away from Not-Yugi.

Though… Not-Yugi does have some nice legs, so I guess he's sorta got a point with that.

And then… Arkana giggles like a mad man.

Quick! Commercial break! That's scary!

_**Somewhere Downtown!**_

Run Gramps!

Run Téa!

"Yugi!"

"Yugi!"

An alley.

A street.

A park.

Where in the hell are they going? And why are they running?

Oh yeah, they're looking for that trap door Yugi fell into.

giggle

_**Ooooh! Kaiba Corp building of gargantitude on a floor with a billion giant computer screens and girls that all look identical to one another aside from their hair colour. **_

"Yugi's duel disk isn't showing up anywhere. He must be duelling in a secret location that no one wants me to know about," Seto says.

Man, Kaiba is a genius. He doesn't even have to really know that Not-Yugi is missing, to know that he's missing. Talk about cool.

"Multi-coloured septuplets, find all computers in the Battle City/Domino City area that are compatible with my Duel Disks. And make it snappy!"

Authoress is thrilled that he literally say's "make it snappy," because usually she just makes people say it as a joke.

"Isolate the ones that are trying to keep themselves secret," he instructs.

There are three of them, and Mokuba volunteers to start checking them out, and runs off, asking his brother to call him if he finds out anything else about Yugi or would like him to stop by the store for ice cream on his way back.

_**Back to the undisclosed location that is about to be discovered by the Kaiba brothers… or the trap door Yugi fell into… or… something.**_

"It's not to late to stop this duel."

"Fuck that! I want your Sexy Monster!"

"Then go already."

"Sure. I'll place a card face down. Ready for the Shadow Realm!?"

"OMG, don't tell me you're going to start that crap!"

And Not-Yugi plays some cards.

Then they play some cards the cancel each other out and then stupid Arkana plays a card that pretty much crucifies Not-Yugi's Dark Magician. Not that you would know that watching American television, because the cross is changed into some… silver diamond thing.

No religious connotations kids.

That's bad.

Apparently.

Even though, if you look at the card Arkana plays… there is totally a cross on it still. Not the silver diamond thing.

But with all that aside, Arkana attacks Not-Yugi's life points directly, because apparently that's the cards ability; to bypass the monster now chained to the cross/diamond and attack directly.

_**Back in Battle City**_

Téa and Gramps are in some back alley, panting for breath.

Gah!

"Must… find… Yugi…" croaks Gramps.

And here comes Mokuba running towards them.

Why is everyone running in this episode? Seriously.

"Mokuba! Help! Yugi was kidnapped by a box inside of a tent!"

"I know… Kaiba just found out," says Mokuba.

Apparently, this means that he is talking in the third person… or is refereeing to his brother as being "Kaiba." Even though he doesn't ever call his brother Kaiba, seeing as how that is horribly formal… and you don't refer to members of your own family by… your own last name. How dumb would that be?!

Not to mention confusing.

"Come on… I know where he is I think. Follow me!" says Mokuba, and then takes off running.

And Téa and Gramps do as told.

_**Back to the duelling Sexy Monsters!**_

Not-Yugi plays a defence monster.

Arkana plays a freaky wooden doll thing, and then a card called "Ectoplasmer!" which he pronounces like "Ecto Plaz Meeerrrrr!!!!!" and proceeds to suck out the very soul of his own Dark Magician.

Jerk face.

But because Mahado… or Not-Yugi's Dark Magician loves Not-Yugi, he blocks the ectoplasm/soul of Arkana's Dark Magician, with his own soul. Though this is explained by Not-Yugi later by him saying… the magic of the Ectoplasmer card effected all of the same types of card on the field.

But we all know it's because the Dark Magician loves Not-Yugi.

And I for one find that the word "Ectoplasm" is strange title to give a card, seeing as how the first thing that I think of, is that an ectoplasm is the exterior protoplasm of a cell. But an alternate definition for the word (and one that I found I had to actually look up… ) is that ectoplasm can also mean "an ethereal substance in which psychic phenomena may manifest themselves." So I guess that works a bit better than the definition I was giving it. I still don't see how it has anything to do with sucking out the souls of monsters. But that I think, might just be me thinking too hard on that.

Oh! The episode is over, and Not-Yugi is glowing for some unknown reason….

"HA! Just a turn away and I win!" says Arkana.

"Whatever. You're not going to win, and you're an idiot for believing in Marik. An idiot for thinking you can beat me. An idiot for thinking green spray painted saw blades have anything to do with the Shadow Realm. And an idiot for wearing those pants!"

"Don't listen to him cupcake!" Arkana shouts back to the silhouette behind the curtain, and then swipes away the only two monsters Not-Yugi has on the field. Because… the show wouldn't be any fun if there wasn't at least a slight chance that Not-Yugi might not win the duel.

And then Arkana plays his second Dark Magician by use of the Dark Magic Curtain, which allows you to summon high level monsters by sacrificing life points instead of monsters. Then shoots Not-Yugi's face down cards with magical arrows of doom creatively named "Anti-Magic Arrows."

So… it looks like Not-Yugi is in serious trouble, seeing as how he's got no monsters on the field, and no magic or traps cards.

But… Arkana can't read the directions on his cards apparently. Meaning… he overlooked the detail about Not-Yugi being able to use the Dark Magic Curtain as well.

"And just like you did… I play… another Dark Magician!" says Not-Yugi.

But! He! How? What? I've been watching this show for… what's it been? Sixty episodes now? Sixty two episodes actually. Not-Yugi doesn't have another Dark Magician. What is he talking about?

"Hey! You don't have another Dark Magician! Marik told me so."

"Well, you're partially right, but mostly misinformed," says Not-Yugi smugly.

Huh?

"I play… Dark Magician Girl!"

"Wholly crap! Sexy Girl Monster?! What! But… she's still not as tough. She's not got as many attack points. Dark Magician! KEEEEL!"

Audience goes "ooooh" as Dark Magician Girl appears on the field, uncaring that Not-Yugi has NEVER played her before, because she is… in fact…super cool, so we are willing to overlook the detail about him keeping her secret from us as long as he promises to play her again.

Arkana really needs to read the directions on cards too… seeing as how he just made his Dark Magician attack Dark Magician Girl. Because everyone knows that Dark Magician Girl gets a power boost for every Dark Magician in the graveyard. 300 attack points per Sexy Monster. And seeing as how there are 2… she's got 600 extra attack points.

And Arkana's Sexy Monster just glares at Arkana from the graveyard as he cries about losing to a girl. But you know… if Arkana hadn't sucked out his soul earlier, he wouldn't even be there, so it's pretty hard to feel sorry for Arkana at this point. Faceless and lonely or not… you don't disrespect the Sexy Monsters. You just don't.

And then the Dark Magician Girl wipes out Arkana's life points.

Awww. Sucks for him.

Not.

_**Outside the undisclosed location…**_

Tristan? Where did you come from?

"Hey guys, what's up?" he asks.

"You know; the usual. Saving Yugi from being kidnapped and whatnot," they tell him.

(They being Gramps, Téa and Mokuba of course.)

_**Back inside the undisclosed location….**_

"Shit! Dark energy disks!" Arkana screams, and then proceeds to scream and beg for help from Yugi. "Oh wait… spare key up my sleeve… I almost forgot."

"Arkana… you suck," says a mystical voice in his head. "Prepare to lose your legs and drop your key you were hiding."

Don't you hate when those mystical voices pop in and tell you that… and make you lose you keys. Though maybe that does explain what I can't ever seem to find mine.

But Not-Yugi unlocks himself and then… being the super nice guy he is, does this really cool dive-unlock-rescue-grab that lets Arkana keep his legs, and when they get back up off the ground, we find out that it was really Yugi who did that.

Wow Yugi. That was pretty graceful and cool. Bonus points for you, and an ice cream later if you want. Mokuba's going to pick some up later anyway…

"Katherine!!!!!!!" Arkana screams like a crazy man, and then runs toward the silhouette behind the curtain, rips the curtain down and hugs the figure… only to find out that it was… a mannequin.

Marik… that was pretty fucked up. Even for you.

"Maybe Marik is just hiding you later to surprise me!"

Uh… probably not, but we'll let you keep your delusions.

"Arkana? Are you alright? Can I help you?"

"HA! Arkana is gone!" says creepy-voiced, mind slave number 86, a.k.a, the Duellist Formerly known as Arkana.

"Marik! You freak show! What the fuck do you want," says Yugi.

"You're Pharaoh friend…that's what I want. Or his powers at least."

"No! Not-Yugi is mine and you can't have him!"

"Listen pipsqueak, I'm taking him, and you can't stop me! I've been living in an underground cave for… like 16 years. He's mine! You're nothing but a shell for him anyway. You couldn't never handle his true strength. I can. I want him! Give him to me!"

Wow… talk about a creepy love triangle.

Then… they talk about Millennium Items, and God Cards, and Marik threatens to send Yugi to the Shadow Realm at least 29½ times. But at least Marik could actually do it, unlike other characters who have been rambling about the Shadow Realm for the past 20 pages, so the fact that every seventh and eighth word in the conversation are Shadow and Realm isn't nearly as annoying this time around.

"Whatever bitch, you'll never beat me in a duel, because my name is in the title of this show!" says Yugi as he hold his hand over the Millennium Puzzle as though he's trying to keep Not-Yugi from hearing any of this.

"Yeah, well beware of the Quiet One!" says Marik via Arkana's mouth before Arkana passes out.

What… the… hell does _THAT_ mean?

And then Téa, Gramps, Mokuba and Tristan burst through the door, delightfully late and… confused as to why Yugi is… holding Arkana in the middle of a lonely and abandoned room.

_**Somewhere… in a dark room of evil plottingness.**_

Sexy Egyptian is now standing before a table conveniently shaped exactly like the Millennium Puzzle and ogling at the Winged Dragon of Ra, while he strips for the camera and shows off the tattoos on his back!

Hell yes!

"Odeon! Dispatch the Quiet One! Stat!" commands Marik as the ending credits roll.

What… the… hell does _that_ mean!?

* * *

_PS.. for future reference, yes I do know who "The Quiet One" is. Thank you for your comments, but I HAVE seen EVERY episode of this series. I was going for "funny," not "I honestly don't know what Marik is talking about."_

_And lastly, it is my great misfortune to inform you that this is likely going to be the last instalment of Yu-Gi-Oh for Dummies. Thank you all for your support. One day I may do an episode for old times sake... but... I can't honestly make that promise._

_Thank you again. Hope you enjoyed it._

_xoxox  
-Galenhiril-_


End file.
